Caring: On Not Backing Down

Sometimes, being strong for someone you care about doesn’t mean being patient or even tolerant. Let’s talk about when to put your foot down.

How To Know When It’s Time

It can be hard to know when it’s time to draw the line with people, especially if they are family, lovers, or close friends. You generally want to do everything you can to love and support these people. After all, why would you have them so close if you didn’t?

The problem comes when these people start engaging in self-destructive behaviors, especially when their choices start to impact you and others. During these times, it is important to be there for your loved one. Love and friendship can’t always be easy. You can and should do everything you can for them. The vast majority of the time, the source of their actions is some sort of deeply rooted pain. They don’t actually want to harm themselves, you, or anyone else. They are lost.

There is, however, a limit to what you can and even should tolerate from people, regardless of how much you care about them. That limit will vary from person to person and situation to situation, but it generally comes down to one question: Have you done everything for this person that you reasonably can? Note that I say REASONABLY, here. Some people, whether they mean to or not, will latch onto you and drain you of every resource you have in every capacity that you allow them to.

So ask yourself. Have you done everything you reasonably can for this person? Have they responded in any positive way whatsoever? Have they listened to any attempts you have made to reach them, help them, or help them help themselves? If not, you need to have a serious conversation with the person or people. Respectfully tell them that that if things don’t change, then you will need to be the one to make a change.

When It’s Time

If, even after that conversion, there has been no change, then it is time for you to make the change. You need to stop enabling the person in any way. It may be not giving them money anymore. It may be only providing for their actual needs instead of their wants. The situations are as widely varied as the people.

The point is that if it’s time, then it’s time. You need to be strong for this person you love in a different way now: you need to be willing to put your foot down and do what is right for both them and for you. This could mean stepping away partially, or even completely. Sometimes people need to experience loss in order to see the effect their choices have.

Have the strength to commit to making the hard choice and having the hard conversations when these times come. If the person truly cares about and respect you and themselves, they will work things out with you. If not, and they value their own indulgence and self-destruction more, then it is time to make an even harder decision and walk away. You do neither yourself nor them any good by continuing to enable it.

This is undeniably an incredibly difficult thing to do. I’m not claiming that it’s easy. Just that you need to do it. Strength isn’t always easy. It’s just always a choice.

When Did You Have To?

As always, I want to hear from all of you. Tell us about a time you had to put your foot down with a friend or loved one who had gone too far. Let your strength inspire others.