On Knowing Others - Don't Let Your Own Values Deceive You
I am fond of saying “When you truly know someone, it is impossible for them to surprise you.” Today, we’re going to talk about how you can internalize that statement and avoid leading yourself astray with assumptions and blind spots you may have towards others.
Your Values
We all have our own way of looking at the world. Whether it comes from upbringing, religion, politics, or simply a personally developed code of ethics, we all have our own idea of how the world should operate. We all have own concept of the correct way to behave as human being.
This is a fine thing, to the degree that I would argue that if you are not certain of where you stand on your own values and ethics, you should place a high priority on figuring that out for yourself. While you can and should take input from outside sources, only you know what is truly correct for you and your life.
While this is important in and of itself, it also leads into our subject today: Not being led astray by your own values. This doesn’t just refer to violating the rights and feelings of others by seeking to force your values on them, though that is something you should avoid whenever possible. What we are talking about there goes deeper, into your perceptions of other people and situations.
Other People and Your Views
There is a tendency by most people to view the world through their own lens. We want to believe that situations will be as we feel they should be, that people will behave in accordance with what we believe is morally correct.
A certain level of this assumption is admittedly part of what keeps civilized society functioning day to day, but most of us take it too far. Not only do we expect that people and situations will conform to our viewpoints and ethical standards, we get surprised and angry when they do not.
This is where foresight, understanding, and pre-meditation can save us a great deal of frustration and embarrassment. For as an old Budhist saying tells us: “If you understand, things are just as they are. If you do not understand, things are just as they are.” Whether or not you take the time and energy to properly grasp the situation and the people involved, things are going to happen according to the reality of things, not the way your own personal views say they should.
With this in mind, we can become more self-aware, and avoid blunders when dealing with others. Ask yourself some of these questions before approaching people and matters:
Are you predicting how you want people to act, or how you reasonably suspect they will because you know them?
Is your expected outcome too similar to your desired outcome because you have the expectation, on some level, that the world works the way you want it to?
In everything and everyone you approach, you must keep in mind that your values are just that: Yours. If you are constantly running into situations and people that surprise you or respond in ways you find unpleasant, it may be time to re-evaluate what you do with your life and who you spend your time with. That, however, is another discussion for another time.
For our purposes today, practice evaluating the situations and people you know you must deal with based on what is actually the case, not how you think things should be. This may not be pleasant, but it will lead you to a higher likelihood of success.
What are Your Values?
As always, I want to hear from all of you. Tell us about a time that your own viewpoints or personal values led to you misjudging a situation, and what you learned from it. You never know who might learn from your experiences.