It Really is How You Say it
Well, half right. What you say DOES matter, but how you say it is just as important. Call it social skills, call it charisma, call it personality. However you identify it, it is a skill, and it matters far more than most people want to admit. Today we're going to talk about an often overlooked aspect of personal growth: social strength.
It is What You Say
First things first, know what you're saying. Don't talk out of the side of your mouth without knowing your facts, and don't go around being cruel to people and stirring up trouble just to amuse yourself. Speak with purpose and certainty, or don't speak.
I'm not out to discourage speculation or hypothesis by an means, but it is important to be honest when you are uncertain of your facts or merely guessing. Far too often, we want to sound smart in front of others and so speak with absolution on subjects we are not at all sure about. If you don't know, either admit it or just say nothing.
If you do engage in debate or discuss uncertain facts, argue in good faith. Express your beliefs clearly, and be gracious and humble when you are proven wrong.
And it's Also How You Say it
How our words are received has a lot more to do with how we express them than it does the facts themselves. I've spoken before about how important appearance is, and this is a big part of it. As important as physical appearance can be, if you act like a completely unaware and un-socialized child, people will avoid you.
One of the realities of life is that you won't get far if you either don't know how to or refuse to interact with people in a way that makes them feel comfortable. Being strange and making people uncomfortable is a social crime, and it is only punished more harshly as you get older and step into more areas of "adult" life.
Most people, especially in groups, have an extremely low tolerance for things that they don't understand and take them out of their comfort zone. And because of how society works, this isn't their problem, it's yours. It is your job to make other people feel comfortable around you, especially if they only spend their time around you voluntarily.
Now, I'm not advocating fabricating a personality to get people to like you. Be into the thing you like. Hold the beliefs you hold. But it is YOUR responsibility to convey these things in a way that doesn't put others off.
Sometimes when you are rejected, it really is someone else or even an entire group being closed minded or even cruel. But before you blame society or others, take a look at yourself. How clearly and non-aggressively are you making your points and presenting your views? How reasonable were you being?
The fact is, people are not obligated to and will take every opportunity to avoid caring about or bothering to even ask why you act the way you do if you make them uncomfortable. They will just slowly start avoiding you. You will lose friends and even jobs if you make enough people uncomfortable enough.
Getting Better at it
If you find yourself struggling socially, treat it with the same severity as you would your physical or mental health. Don't wait until people start avoiding or abandoning you, just like you wouldn't wait for treatment if you were bleeding or struggling with deep mental illness.
Now, there can be a direct connection between mental illness and social behavior that people reject. If this is you, get help. Don't make excuses or blame anyone else. Be transparent with the people around when you are confronted about your behavior. Acknowledge that you have a problem and need help. Then get it.
For those of you who just don't care enough because you're "just being yourself," you will need to decide what you value more. You know full well where the line is between being yourself and just refusing to grow up. And if you can't see the difference, refer to the paragraph above.
The Value of Charm
The simple fact of the matter is that having the ability to be pleasant and communicate with others in a way that places them at ease as a crucial aspect of your overall strength as a person.
As always, I want to hear from you. Tell us your stories about your social struggles and growth, and how it bettered your lives.