The Difference Between "Giving Up" And Leaving For Your Health
Have you ever given something or someone your all, only to realize you are not only not appreciated, but even resented? This can be a difficult and often painful experience. So today, let’s talk about the difference between “giving up” and walking away for your own good.
The following is a recollection by my wife Rebecca of a recent experience in her life that reminded us both of this very important lesson. She has agreed to share it with you all, in hopes that it can help others find their strength in similar situations.
THE STORY
I am someone who believes that when you undertake something, you should devote yourself to it to the utmost of your ability. It is better to not do something at all than to do it half-heartedly. This could be a job, a relationship, a personal goal, or even a hobby.
What happens, however, when you see that your devotion and sacrifice to your pursuit is not only not valued, but actively leads to you being mistreated? Where do you draw the line?
The workplace can be a source of human contact, growth, knowledge, and reward. Unfortunately, it can also be a stressful, unforgiving place of pressures and poor communication. Many organizations judge you based on performance goals which increase not with your skills but purely by the profit you generate or the need to fulfill an increased workload without additional cost to the organization. This can lead to poor management as the organization becomes so target driven that it expects more and more from the same number of people with little development or training. This can also highlight the way in which employees who are delivering on or even above and beyond targets are overlooked or expected to carry those who don’t. This leads to increased stress and undue levels of pressure.
Most organizations believe a top-heavy management structure is the answer to this. What happens is a growth in middle management instead of the focus being placed where it belongs: empowering the teams through strong leadership, training, and communication. People are promoted while being overloaded and lacking key leadership and communication skills, which can lead to toxic work situations.
I recently had to make a choice because of this. I have been very blessed in my career, experiencing a varied climb to retail management from the age of 19 onwards. I was one of the lucky people who worked within organizations who believed in knowledge, growth, and most importantly accountability as a leader. The lessons I learned along the way have been priceless, teaching me how to be humble in the face of challenges and the unknown.
Over two years ago I decided to make a change. For my own needs, I stepped back from leadership roles. I focused on becoming a strong team member on a new career path that allowed me more personal time to focus on my life outside of my career. We sometimes allow our careers to consume us to an unhealthy degree, and I needed the additional bandwidth for my personal life at the time.
The new organization I chose to join was based in healthcare. At first, it was amazing. Not only did I have the challenge of new skills to learn, the role itself was rewarding. Warning signs were apparent from the very beginning, however. I now wish I had taken notice when my interviewer asked me “Aren’t you overqualified for this role? You’re going to be bored.” I am a great believer in explaining myself honestly, however. So, I answered with detail and reassurance that I would perform this role to my utmost ability.
I chose to become dedicated to learning and performing my new role to the best of my abilities. To learn and support as much as I could. Admittedly, it became my key focus. I would cover any shifts, with no or little notice. I would teach myself the skills needed, as training was out of date and rarely offered. I would take on extra tasks to improve productivity, work hard to support my colleagues with issues, or just with daily tasks.
Sadly, moving forward with such focus and attention can lead to being taken for granted. When an unexpected change in your life alters your main focus, some people can take it personally and feel let down because suddenly you are no longer picking up their slack.
In truly toxic situations, an atmosphere of disappointment can develop because you’re not willing to choose your job over life. Little passive aggressive comments, withholding basic things like schedule and performance reviews, accusing you of letting down the team, etc.
When things reached this point, I took a stand and challenged these behaviors. Unfortunately, this only resulted in them worsening until the atmosphere began to affect me. I found myself feeling guilty for not doing the 60+ hour week, for not giving up my day off, or even expecting the standard two weeks’ notice of my shifts instead of a day. I reasoned that surely, I’m not the only one that can cover things or contribute a bit extra.
The issue, I finally had to accept, was not that no one else COULD, it was that no one else WOULD. That the retaliation and guilt tactics had crossed the line from inappropriate to outright abusive. I realized I had begun to hate going in, hate fighting the animosity. To dread the feeling that I was somehow letting people down because I would not give up my one day off that week.
This peaked when every morning became a personal pep-talk on why I should continue to subject myself to it. That’s when I started to listen to myself. To begin to accept that this situation was affecting my mental and physical health. I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly anymore. Even when I took time off work, I could not relax. I had to ask myself why I was accepting this as “the norm”. The answer I found is that I shouldn’t be, and neither should anyone else.
Now, we all know that we can’t and shouldn’t expect praise every time we deliver good results, or even every time we go above and beyond. However, we must also ask ourselves whether or not we should expect a poor reaction when we cannot fulfill an extra task or do a favor. The answer, of course, is no.
If you are being treated badly in any situation for expecting your basic needs to be met and for rules governing how you are treated to be followed, you have found yourself in a toxic, abusive situation. If, once you have pursued recourse, things do not change or even get worse (as they did for me), it is important to understand that you are not “giving up” by removing yourself from that situation.
Others will seek to tell you that you are. That you need to have a “thick skin,” or “toughen up,” but these are just more abuse tactics. The strong choice in any situation like this is leave. Whether the situation is personal or professional, you do yourself no good by remaining in it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Make the strong, difficult choice that is best for yourself. Leave for your own health and safety. Given enough time, you will be able to look back and see that you did the right thing.
LEAVING
The decision to permanently leave a situation, professional or personal, is a difficult one. In the end, it must come down to your own health, both physical and mental. There is no job or relationship of any kind that is worth subjecting yourself to consistent and deliberate harm being done to you after you have clearly communicated the state of things.
This requires stepping back and looking at yourself and your own needs, and it can be difficult and even painful. We are often taught that walking away for any reason is “giving up,” but you must unlearn that. Taking control in order to separate yourself from a toxic situation in order to protect your health is not “giving up,” it is being strong enough to make the hard choice for your own sake.
The mistake would be isolating yourself and locking yourself into the status quo in order to avoid facing the fear of what you might uncover if you fight back. While you will receive pressure to accept token gestures or even just “deal with it,” you must not give in to those pressures. You cannot allow yourself to be afraid to make the hard choice.
For myself, I chose to look in the mirror and judge my actions and my needs. The questions this forced me to ask were “When was the last time I felt happy? Can I feel happy if I continue this fight? Have I done everything I can?” I also did not only ask these questions of myself. I found support in my husband, a good friend, and a doctor. There is no shame in receiving the support of the people who truly care about you. Sometimes saying things aloud means you hear them clearly for the first time.
In the end, you need to be strong enough to realize that sometimes you are not the problem. To choose yourself, and not allow others to make their poisonous choices and behavior your fault. To, if needed, choose to walk away for your own sake and that of the people around you who do care.
Once I pushed through the fear and guilt and made that choice, there was happiness and peace on the other side. It very well may be true that the people who were harming me or allowing me to be harmed have completely “gotten away with it,” but I no longer care. I am on to the next wonderful stage of my life, and they are the ones that will have to live with their own poison and self inflicted misery. This is the peace of mind that I wish on all of you. I hope that you can take something from my experience, and not have to go through everything that I did to reach the same conclusion: That you deserve better.