When it IS Your Fault (It's More Often Than You Think!)

Sit down and pay attention. Put the kids to bed, and avert your eyes if you are feint of heart. I'm going to tell you something that you know deep down but might not want want to hear.

With very few exceptions, where you are in your life and what is happening to you is your own fault.

Now before anyone gets offended, let me clarify what I mean, starting with the things this DOESN'T mean.

Abuse

First, no, it's NOT your fault if you are being abused by someone. Whether it's personal, professional, emotional, physical, or any combination, no one DESERVES to be abused. In addition, no one is at FAULT for the behavior of their abuser, though many will tell you that you are. You cannot control how other people feel or act, positive or negative.

We rarely know up front if that charming person we start dating will turn out to be an angry, physically abusive drunk. We also rarely know if that new job will turn out to be a toxic environment. We can look for the warning signs and be vigilant, and we can avoid obvious pitfalls. But we can never know ahead of time with absolute certainty.

People and organizations put forth a charming facade to lull victims until a false sense of security. Many of them are experts at it. So your first responsibility is to be on your guard, and both see and react to the red flags. Trust your instincts, and don't be lured into bad situations by desperation or too good to be true arrangements. In the end, you decide where you are and who you spend your time around.

With that in mind, we come to my second point. You can't control how people act, but you CAN control how you react to it. You know when you are being treated badly and/or abused by an individual or organization. You know what is healthy for you and what isn't. The power to leave that situation is solely within your hands. Sure, someone might notice and come to your rescue, but you cannot wait for that, and you certainly cannot depend on it. You need to find the strength to take control of your life, stand up for yourself, and walk away.

Now, the last thing I will tell you is that this is easy. It isn't. It's quite possibly one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. But none of us are here for easy. We're here for effective and strong. End that abusive relationship. Quit that job with the toxic environment. Because if you DON'T then it DOES become your fault that you stayed in those situations. There is a fine line between being not being responsible for other people's actions and being responsible  for your own choice to tolerate them.

So this is your call to arms. If you're being abused, mistreated, or harmed by someone or something, I challenge you to cut that thing or person out of your life TODAY. That person or thing doesn't own you. They don't control your life or your future. You do. Dig deep, and find the strength to break free. You and only you have the strength to do it for yourself.

When It Really Is Your Fault

With that disclaimer out of the way, let's get down to business. Where you are in life is mostly your own choice. Certain things happen outside of our control. Illness, natural disasters, death of a loved one, and so forth. 

But we all know that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the day to day choices and the bigger decisions. I'm talking about all the times you gave up or didn't even try because you were afraid or thought someone else was better than you. Every time you do that, you CHOOSE failure, and you CHOOSE to be in a lower place.

This places a lot of weight on us, but that's ok. That's the way it's supposed to be. The choices are supposed to be hard. If they weren't, everyone would win all the time. Everyone would get promoted. Everyone would be rich. Everyone would have the home, car, job, lover, and life they want. But the cold reality of the world is that there is finite victory to be had, and in order for one person to win, another person has to lose. Victory and success go to the person who wants it more.

It's impossible to deny that there is something to be said for "being in the right place at the right time," but that's not dumb luck nearly as often as we like to tell ourselves it is. The vast majority of the time, that person was where they were when they were there because they worked, planned, and sacrificed to make it happen. We like to imagine others are "just lucky." It makes it easier for us to accept defeat, rather than to look at how much hard work and distance is between what we have and what we want.

Others might have an advantage due to birth, money, or any number of other existing factors. But that doesn't mean that you get to just shrug and accept them getting everything you want. You will lose and stay where you are exactly as long as you choose to. If you don't have money, look at what you spend it on. If you're overweight, look at your personal habits. If you're alone, look at yourself and ask why. The ONLY common factor in all of your victories and failures is YOU.

There are countless things taking place in the world you can't control, I will never deny that. However, there are also nearly countless things about yourself that you CAN. Every time you fail, lose, or don't succeed, it was due in some way to choices you made.

So my challenge to you today is for you to pick one thing that you can choose to accept responsibility for. One thing, no matter how small, that you can stop saying "it's not my fault" about. Share your new choice in the comments, and help encourage others to have the strength to come forward with their own. You never know when your story might inspire someone else to take that first step.